Paul Timmins (noweb4u) wrote,
Paul Timmins
noweb4u

2001: A Space Odyssey

Okay guys so this contains spoilers. It's made in 1968 so if you were holding out to see it and can't deal with the spoilers, you're just a moron.

So anyway I just watched this movie.

This is the most drug induced bullshit I have ever seen. I could have done without the monkey shit at the beginning. But whatever. Monkeys with clubs can be okay.

Then this guy, who has a family, is investigating some ol bullshit we're not really made privy to. He uses the bell system videophone. Now I have an AT&T videophone (circa 1991). It is nothing like the awesomeness they imply. But anyway, they were right about there being some big old gigantic overpriced phone company in 2001. That was pretty damn accurate. Next thing I know, he's on a spaceship to Jupiter, and dealing with a computer that is incapable of error. Now maybe in '68 they thought computers were ever going to be at this level, but I can't get my computer to work consistently for 3 days let alone work perfectly for a decade as later alleged. And it's 2007.

So they're doing the jupiter thing, and it's some dude's birthday, and they're on the BBC and all that shit. HAL predicts a failure that didn't happen (and shit, I wish my crap did that. I'd deal with that sort of error) and everyone wigs out. They try to scheme some nasty plan behind the computer's back, and like morons, did it where the computer could see their lips move.

So the computer magically offs the frank guy somehow, I saw him trying to change out some component and next thing I know his ass is flying through space. I'm like "okay, whatever, homicidal computer". Then the Dave guy goes chasing his clearly dead friend like a moron, doing so without a space helmet, as the only living person on board. Obviously, no good can come of this. The computer locks his ass out, and he mans up and does this ballsy airlock thing which was pretty decent. Then he shuts down the hal, which was another good move. Now, here's where the movie takes a bad turn.

At this point, the dude should have made it to Jupiter, said "hey, earth, I made it. booyah. Oh, and I'm fucking done with this space program shit. I've got enough life support to get back to earth, because the asshole computer killed my crew. So I'm gonna do that, and I'm out of this shit. Understand? I'm done."
and they would of course say "okay, well, here's the deal, collect some rocks and shit, and head on back. We understand completely."

Then he'd collect his rocks and shit, and go home and hug his daughter, bang his wife, whatever. "THE END". YAY!

Instead, he sees some secret recording that says there's intelligent life. Oh no.

Oh yes. So he gets to jupiter, and another of those rectangle rocks is just floating through space. I was like "shit, this is going to do something fucked."

I was right!

So he's flying in his little spacepod, and suddenly there's literally 10 minutes of trippy bullshit better saved for a OpenGL winamp visualization. Then suddenly he's in a building. Then some old guy that has to be as old as the pope is getting his food on. So he ambles on over to see what mister spaceman is doing. Mister spaceman is gone. Food time again. Then a glass smashes on the floor. Some old fucker is sitting in the bed. He makes a motion like he is about to say "Avenge my death!" and suddenly, the dude at the table is the black rectangle. Then you look back, and old man is some fetus thing in a glowing orb. Suddenly, the orb is orbiting earth, and mister astronaut is evidently irrelevant, as the movie ends with this fetus thing in orbit around earth.

That is damn near 3 hours of my life I'll never get back. I'd watch the middle part, because everyone loves an angry computer that plots shit. But what the hell is with the rest of this movie? COME ON.

Whatever, it's bedtime. I'm going to have trippy nightmares forevermore.
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